Sunday, June 6, 2010

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Friday, June 4, 2010

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Antifreeze Tastes Like Mountain Dew

I found my dog dead in the yard today. Somebody had given him some antifreeze. Shit is about to go down.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Why Would The Window Explode?

This morning when I was walking back home with a bunch of shit I scavenged last night the fucking strangest thing happened. I had stopped at the intersection of two roads, just kinda taking a little break. I was looking into one of the buildings absentmindedly when one of the windows exploded. I was standing there trying to figure out what the fuck happened when one of the outside lights right near my head exploded. It still took me, like four or five seconds to figure out somebody was trying to fucking shoot my ass. They must have been pretty far away cause I didn't hear shit. Everything just started exploding around me all of the sudden. Luckily the dude wasn't that good of a shot.
I dove under a van parked on the curb and tried to figure out what the fuck I was gonna do to get my ass outta this mess. I had no idea where the dude trying to kill me was hiding out so I didn't know where to fucking go. I realized that I had to get outta there ASAP before that fucker could get a better line of shot so I just crawled out and booked it down the street and around the corner. He popped off a couple more shots but, luckily, I had chosen the proper exit and they didn't come close.
I got home, took some xanax and chugged a couple of beers. I feel a lot better now.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Life is a Beach (With Turds Floating In It)

I went down to the river this morning for the first time since I moved here. I'd been itching to do a little fishing and have a little chill time to myself near the water. I'd always heard that the river was pretty shitty and foul but I figured that since most of the fucko's in the city have been gone for a while the river might have cleaned itself up a bit.
I was sooo fucking wrong.
I could smell the river 15 minutes before I got there (which is saying a lot what with all the stinky shit around). When I finally arrived all I saw was garbage, dead rotting things and shit floating around on top of the oily sheen from what looked to be about a million gallons of diesel fuel.
I figured about the only thing I'd be catching around this place (besides a nice little buzz) would be turds or some weird disease so I just sat on the bank for a while and drank some warm assed beer.
After a little bit I saw this dude driving a kickass monster cigarette boat around on the water. He was weaving in and out of shit, totally driving it like a fucking maniac. That fucker had that shit revved so fucking high I thought he was about to blow the fucking engine. It sounded like the Charlotte speedway or something. He was really ragging the shit outta that thing.
I sat there watching him for a while (hell, I aint got shit else to do, right?) and he finally got close enough for me to see that he was clearly shit faced outta his gourd. He was wearing a dirty assed bathrobe opened to reveal a pair of tighty whitey's, dancing and doing this faggy little jig while pushing that puppy as fast as that bitch would go.
Our eyes locked for a second and he had the weirdest expression on his face, sort of a mix between fear and total contempt. I've never seen anything like it.
About thirty seconds later he rammed that thing into one of the bridges. After a few minutes the boat caught fire and I watched it burn for a bit, hoping I might get to see the whole river catch on fire (sadly it didn't happen).
I'm not too sure but I think that fucker did it on purpose. I guess some people just can't handle lifes little curveballs that get thrown their way.